Wednesday, April 19, 2006

A Handsome Retreat: Your Guide to Tri-Daily Bowel Movement (Part 1 of 2)

Upon entry into the office world, a gentleman has few places of refuge during his daily routine. Gone are the days of afternoon naps, trips to the corner store, and rubbing a few out on the couch before your roommates get home. You're a working stiff now, and if you want to get ahead you need to at least look like you're staying busy. To stay focused, a man needs a few minutes every day to collect his thoughts. We suggest committing yourself to at least an hour of personal reflection a day. Most important scientists would agree. This self-reflective time can be as mundane as listing the ladies in your office from most fuckable to least, or as exciting as reading a full colour comic book (Amazing Spiderman, natch). It's really up to you, the important thing is that at the end of the day you're able to say that you wasted an hour of your company's time. You'll be a much better person for it.

If you know anything about anything, you may have guessed that the ideal place to enjoy this refuge is atop a porcelain throne in the confines of the office restroom. In this environment a man can be in relative solitude, pants resting comfortably at his ankles while he enjoys a brief respite from the shrill voices and cock-eyed glances of female coworkers. Unless one's workplace has a CO-ED bathroom, in which case one should get the fuck out of the 90's and get a real job.

The art of the office dump goes beyond just knowing about this office sanctuary. There are a few ground rules and general tips that every young man should take to heart.

First of all you need to have a go-to stall. Most men prefer the handicap stall, which is advisable but comes with a few caveats. While the extra space and handle bars are appealing, if you actually work with a handicap'd person you should pick another stall. You don't want the guilt of seeing the tires on that wheel chair roll up to the door and then roll away in disappointment after you've been seen through the crack in the door glancing at the latest Robb Report with a terd half way out of your ass . Plus what if that retard makes a big mess everytime he shits? You don't want to be around that. The seat might also be a little high for your tastes. Like we said, advisable with a few caveats. Another good stall choice is the one at the end of the row. This spot is good for those among us who aren't exhibitionists and would like a little privacy. If you want your farts to be heard by the masses, don't bother with this one. You may also just have a certain stall you like for reasons of your own, which is okay too. Don't forget, the goal is personal comfort.

Another important issue is scheduling. Studies have shown that the optimum number of office craps a day is three. Any less than that will leave you unsatisfied, and anymore could arise suspicion. This is not to be taken lightly. We once worked in an office where a why-I've-been-taking-so-many-dumps explanation email of a former employee was posted on the bulletin board for all to ridicule. Although hilarious to read, this email served as a reminder that nobody is untouchable. Caution and discretion are the names of this game. Three 20 minute trips to the toilet is just the right number to keep it on the down low and stay on the up and up. Further to this, you should have fairly regular times for your trips. Late night snacks and coffee the next morning should ensure a daily 930am crap. You should follow up with either a pre or post lunch dump, and then close the day out with a 430pm anus cleansing. Adhering to this or a similar schedule will help you feel fresh and ready to go at crucial moments of the day. Feel free to mix it up every once in a while, but try to get in the routine.

This should help you get started. Go ahead and take a few practice runs, and be sure to stay tuned for part two. We'll tango with the intricacies of reading material, go toe to toe with the problem of TP irritation, and tackle all the other important issues you need to know. Until then.


Blogger Joey Coco said...

Protip: If you have some sort of portable internetting device, you can take a gander at Handsome Man weekly while you purge the Temple of Doom. This qualifies as educated defecation.

4:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Required reading for every young man who aspires to a life of grace and sophistication.

9:38 PM  
Blogger Slinky Redfoot said...

in Part 2 can you please address the disgusting trend of dudes talking on cell phones in office bathrooms while squeezing one out.

11:02 AM  
Blogger The Man Himself said...

The above should, and will, be addressed.

12:01 PM  

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