Friday, July 28, 2006

July is close to finished and I thought I'd share my finest summer swaree I've ever experienced. It was a dusky August morning, I awoke around 9:30. A handsome wakeup time indeed. Charice, my lover at the time, prepared a breakfast dish filled with exotic fruits and meats that delighted the senses for hours. I bit into a mighty kiwi fruit and made a realization, I haven't left my domicile all summer. Sure we went outside for strolls and I took her for dinner and dancing but nay a trip outside of our village we took. So I called up Frankford, he's been our family travel agent for almost seven centuries, and booked 2 train tickets to Guadalahara.

We arrived 28 minutes early to the train station and decided to get a quick brunch. After the waffles and fried shrimps we decided to take a chance on the avocado dip. Normally, Charice and I love dips of all kinds and flavors, however Reynaldos, the quaint cafe' forget to mention their avocado dip was spiked with a lethal dose of cocaine and angel dust.

Being an ex-junkie I hardly noticed the effects, but Charice was another story. She ran out of the station and took me on a four-day adventure I'll never forget. By the end we were secluded in northern Idaho, and we rode water slides until the sun came up. I'll never forget those four-days and I hope I passed on a little sunshine in your life.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

The Most Handsome Mailbag in the World

Alright, you beautiful devils, it's about time we started digging into our overflowing "male" bag.

Dear Handsome Man Weekly, I am currently in the process of growing a mustache. While I fully understand that facial hair of this nature is not presently chic, the daring tactics of television's Magnum P.I. have inspired me to mimic its protagonist. Who among us can deny the raging handsomeness of Tom Selleck? Surely, not I. Given the magnitude of my aforementioned task, I need some information, so I can make my mustache as handsome as possible. Would you be so kind as to write a mustache growing/maintenance guide for myself and others with similar aspirations?

Thank you,
Patrick G. Sanders

Dear Patrick,

Hello there, friend. Although I've only just received your letter, I'll be writing this response under the assumption that you are a handsome man. If not, God help you. But a handsome man can pull off most styles of facial hair given that they work on catering it to their own features!

What you should really be asking yourself is not "should I grow a mustache?" (I could feel the uncertainty glowing within the mere fibers of your letter) but "what type of mustache should I grow?" This sounds easier than it really is. Per exemplo, a wide-faced man might feel more comfortable with handlebars hanging betwixt his lips and his ears. On the other hand, a more svelt character would surely find a subtle pencil 'stache befitting of both his face and body type.

Maintaining your mustache is one of our most simple gifts. Your 'stache should flow freeform depending on your mood and state. When angry, try messing it up a bit so that there won't be any question of your embittered state out on the streets. When sated, a slight droop is often deemed proper. If, when trimming your mustache, you overcut it slightly, do not despair. Despair leads to a full shave, after which it will be weeks before you reach your hair-lipped heights again. Remain stalwart and cater the rest of your facial area to the mistake you've made. Why, some of the finest "mistakes" have lead to classic examples of mustachioed machismo.

Finally, sir, I must add that whoever told you that mustaches are not "presently chic" is most likely a woman or in the process of becoming one. Remain wary, steadfast and, as always, stay handsome!

As always,

Cummerbund F. Mandango

Monday, May 15, 2006

The Lost Foreigner

Hello there, beautiful. I thought I'd drop in here real quick and have a little pow-wow; Drag up the stool and scoot in a little closer to the point that my special-order bifocals bring you into the most perfect vision.

I've received many e-mails that were simply spectacular in my eyes; they were just fantastic. Most of you asked for a series of tips on how to land the eye of a sexy lady you don't even know. A stranger. Well I've got a real humdinger here, so sit back down because I saw you stand up a minute ago and pace around while I was just tryin' to sit here and talk to you man to man.

The "Lost Foreigner" is our simple Stage One Beginner's Technique. Dig the concept: You are a recently-immigrated foreigner that has yet to grasp even the most simplistic aspects of his new location's geography. You look left, you look right– But still, nothing familiar.

Enter: the lady.

She spots you, miffed by alien environs. She is intrigued by your musky man-scent combined with wither-my-heart innocence. You become her metaphor for a better life as she yearns to show you the way around town, possibly to the library. But best of all, you'll probably get to touch her bosom.

The country of origin is up to you, but make it a doozy! Here's my personal example for the slow crowd.

Yours as always and until next time,

- Cummerbund F. Mandango

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

محمود احمدی‌نژاد : A Handsome Devil!

While browsing the internet this week, I couldn't help but notice all the press about Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (the motherfucking president of Iran), and his letter to our great nation's leader. More interesting to me than some crazy letter from one crazy guy to another was the sight that you can behold here to your right: this gentleman has his act together!
I'll admit I was feeling lost in this era of bad guys wearing wierd robes, having big scary beards, toting AK's, and wearing camo vests. What ever happened to the dapper dictator? Well I'm here to tell you he's back, and he's breaking bread in Tehran. With a neatly trimmed beard and enough pomade to make George Clooney blush, this guy rules with a velvet fist!

Don't get the wrong idea though, he's no sissy. Mahmoud doesn't let women go to sporting events, and he even installed separate elevators for men in the capital (Dames: Who needs em!?!). His government is even threatening to disqualify soccer players if they look too girly!

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

A Handsome Guide to Leisure Time

A good-natured romp through the bungalows of Thailand, a soothing steam shower in the natural swamps of Madagascar, or a relaxing Punch cigar on top of the snowy white mountains of Peru; these are the retreats every leisurely gentlemen aspires to enjoy. But how does one determine leisure from work? One man may consider tending his sweet garden of rosemary and arugula a "day off" if you will, but another man might find this task to be the most taxing of them all. So how does one determine leisure from work?

Let's examine the arugula garden; ask yourself would an immigrant do this type of work? If you answered "yes" then you are correct thus making garden activities WORK and not leisure. How about lying on a hammock? Sure any lazy Spaniard would lie on his hammock, but he's never worked a day in his life so a refined gentlemen like yourself can damn well sure call lying in a hammock leisure. However let's be frank for just one moment, this is a rather boorish activity after all. A classy and sophisticated gentlemen like yourself should never be caught in a hammock or even a modern-day "moon bounce".

The goal is to live the life of a dandy and when I refer to dandism do not consider this an insult to your masculinity. Our culture would have you believe dandies are in essence big queers, but they are the original sophisticate (A.K.A an O.S) and practically invented our fun, refined and don't forget handsome leisure culture.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

A Handsome Retreat: Your Guide to Tri-Daily Bowel Movement (Part 2 of 2)

Welcome back weary traveler, take your shoes off, rest your feet. While you're at it take this pipe and put this robe on. We want you to be comfortable, so sit back and relax while we discuss part two of HMW's guide to shitting at work, one handsome man to another.

We hope you've practiced since last week, where you were no doubt educated on proper stall choice and scheduling (among other things). As promised we're starting today's article with a key issue that needs addressing: Reading Material. Any man, however handsome he may be, can thumb through a newspaper on the john like a prehistoric Neanderthal. It's a scientific fact. We're here to show you how to do it with the grace and panache of a true motherfucking gentleman.

Unless you'd prefer to have the reputation of a backwoods rube, don't bother with any obvious bathroom readers like magazines, newspapers, or video game instruction booklets. Remember that in the corporate world your every move is being scrutinized by your beady-eyed, less attractive coworkers. Nothing says "dropping a deuce" (or "homosexual" for that matter) more loudly than waltzing down the hallway with Richard Johnson's latest in hand and a grin on your face. How to avoid this? Turn that smile upside down and utilize the office printer. Surf the internet for articles of interest, click print, then head through the cubicle maze with a confident swagger. With papers in hand you'll look like you're a new hotshot exec carrying an important report to the boss, as opposed to some dirty douche bag taking a wack off mag into the stall. Don't forget, you can always print out some penthouse letters if need be.

We're sure that your asshole is puckering with excitement now that you've begun to process all this information. Make no mistake though, shitting at work can be a wonderful and rewarding experience, but it's not without it's hazards. The most common problem you'll encounter is the issue of "TP Irritation". Most large companies cut costs wherever possible, and an unfortunate casualty is often the luxury of nice toilet paper. The low grade replacement is rough to the touch, and after three dumps a day it starts to feel like steel wool. Your best strategy to avoid anus rash is to change up your wiping technique. Don't think of it as wiping shit off your ass. Imagine you've just spilled a drop of shiraz on your brand new brooks brothers button up. Now imagine that instead of ripping it up and throwing it at a hobo before you buy a new one, you're going to try to clean it. You'd gently dab (not wipe!) a napkin on the droplet, careful to absorb the offending substance without spreading it around. Now apply this technique to your browneye. Heed these words young man, treat your asshole like a new French cuffed shirt and you'll be happy for the rest of your days.

Lastly, bathroom etiquette needs to be discussed. It's nice to believe that everyone lives by the golden rule, but let's be honest here. In this crazy mixed up world one man's loud, inappropriate jerk off session is another man's best behavior. Here are three hard and fast rules that everyone should follow.

  1. Courtesy flushing. You may enjoy wallowing in the scent of your own feces, and that's natural. The feeling might not be shared by others, however, so flush everytime a turd drops. Although this prevents you from examining your work, it drastically cuts down on the stench.
  2. No speaking. Don't talk to the person next to you. It will interrupt concentration and can be considered slightly homosexual (not that there's anything wrong with that). If you need to communicate for some reason only use grunts. This applies to cell phone's as well. If the guy in the stall next to you is chattering away on his blackberry, grab a turd from your bowl and fling it at him. If you miss just go punch him in the face. And if you are the type of guy who does brings the phone to the throne, please turn off your computer right now, go home, and violently commit suicide.
  3. Wash your hands. This is only necessary after pooping. If you wash your hands after taking a leak, all you're doing is telling the world that you have a dirty penis. And shame on you for not keeping your member clean.

Well lads, this wraps it up. You should now be fully prepared to shit in the office as only a handsome man can. Remember, with great power comes great responsibility. Impart your knowledge to others as we have done to you.

Until then.

Finding The Right Wine Part A

When courting a young lady, taking a walk inside of a cavernous meadow, or having a delightful nap the most difficult decision a man has to make is, what wine is right? Not only that, what wine is correct for the occasion, what kind of occasion are we having, and who should be allowed to come? For example, I was hosting a youth-group and I bought 3 liters of fruit punch for the kids. Much to my dismay the community center I was volunteering at booked the wrong event. So at 8 o’ clock sharp 17 vagrants, who expected a knife show, came into the gymnasium demanding wine and knife tricks. At first I panicked, but then I realized the fourteen simple rules of wine.

First off we already had fruit punch and as we all know by now homeless people like sweet wine. So I called up my friend Rufus who happens to work at a gin wholesaler and he rushed down to the event and we made possibly the greatest home made wine of all time. I owed Rufus a favor for over seven years until we took a trip to Guatemala and I paid one-hundred and thirty bucks (American dollars) for a night of passion with his step-daughter. So we evened out on that exchange. I got gin for vagrants, a couple happy endings and Rufus is one-hundred and thirty dollars richer. We never did any knife tricks for the vagrants, but in the end we all had so much fun nobody noticed.

Yours truly - Guy Mahogany

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

A Handsome Retreat: Your Guide to Tri-Daily Bowel Movement (Part 1 of 2)

Upon entry into the office world, a gentleman has few places of refuge during his daily routine. Gone are the days of afternoon naps, trips to the corner store, and rubbing a few out on the couch before your roommates get home. You're a working stiff now, and if you want to get ahead you need to at least look like you're staying busy. To stay focused, a man needs a few minutes every day to collect his thoughts. We suggest committing yourself to at least an hour of personal reflection a day. Most important scientists would agree. This self-reflective time can be as mundane as listing the ladies in your office from most fuckable to least, or as exciting as reading a full colour comic book (Amazing Spiderman, natch). It's really up to you, the important thing is that at the end of the day you're able to say that you wasted an hour of your company's time. You'll be a much better person for it.

If you know anything about anything, you may have guessed that the ideal place to enjoy this refuge is atop a porcelain throne in the confines of the office restroom. In this environment a man can be in relative solitude, pants resting comfortably at his ankles while he enjoys a brief respite from the shrill voices and cock-eyed glances of female coworkers. Unless one's workplace has a CO-ED bathroom, in which case one should get the fuck out of the 90's and get a real job.

The art of the office dump goes beyond just knowing about this office sanctuary. There are a few ground rules and general tips that every young man should take to heart.

First of all you need to have a go-to stall. Most men prefer the handicap stall, which is advisable but comes with a few caveats. While the extra space and handle bars are appealing, if you actually work with a handicap'd person you should pick another stall. You don't want the guilt of seeing the tires on that wheel chair roll up to the door and then roll away in disappointment after you've been seen through the crack in the door glancing at the latest Robb Report with a terd half way out of your ass . Plus what if that retard makes a big mess everytime he shits? You don't want to be around that. The seat might also be a little high for your tastes. Like we said, advisable with a few caveats. Another good stall choice is the one at the end of the row. This spot is good for those among us who aren't exhibitionists and would like a little privacy. If you want your farts to be heard by the masses, don't bother with this one. You may also just have a certain stall you like for reasons of your own, which is okay too. Don't forget, the goal is personal comfort.

Another important issue is scheduling. Studies have shown that the optimum number of office craps a day is three. Any less than that will leave you unsatisfied, and anymore could arise suspicion. This is not to be taken lightly. We once worked in an office where a why-I've-been-taking-so-many-dumps explanation email of a former employee was posted on the bulletin board for all to ridicule. Although hilarious to read, this email served as a reminder that nobody is untouchable. Caution and discretion are the names of this game. Three 20 minute trips to the toilet is just the right number to keep it on the down low and stay on the up and up. Further to this, you should have fairly regular times for your trips. Late night snacks and coffee the next morning should ensure a daily 930am crap. You should follow up with either a pre or post lunch dump, and then close the day out with a 430pm anus cleansing. Adhering to this or a similar schedule will help you feel fresh and ready to go at crucial moments of the day. Feel free to mix it up every once in a while, but try to get in the routine.

This should help you get started. Go ahead and take a few practice runs, and be sure to stay tuned for part two. We'll tango with the intricacies of reading material, go toe to toe with the problem of TP irritation, and tackle all the other important issues you need to know. Until then.