Saturday, June 24, 2006

The Most Handsome Mailbag in the World

Alright, you beautiful devils, it's about time we started digging into our overflowing "male" bag.

Dear Handsome Man Weekly, I am currently in the process of growing a mustache. While I fully understand that facial hair of this nature is not presently chic, the daring tactics of television's Magnum P.I. have inspired me to mimic its protagonist. Who among us can deny the raging handsomeness of Tom Selleck? Surely, not I. Given the magnitude of my aforementioned task, I need some information, so I can make my mustache as handsome as possible. Would you be so kind as to write a mustache growing/maintenance guide for myself and others with similar aspirations?

Thank you,
Patrick G. Sanders

Dear Patrick,

Hello there, friend. Although I've only just received your letter, I'll be writing this response under the assumption that you are a handsome man. If not, God help you. But a handsome man can pull off most styles of facial hair given that they work on catering it to their own features!

What you should really be asking yourself is not "should I grow a mustache?" (I could feel the uncertainty glowing within the mere fibers of your letter) but "what type of mustache should I grow?" This sounds easier than it really is. Per exemplo, a wide-faced man might feel more comfortable with handlebars hanging betwixt his lips and his ears. On the other hand, a more svelt character would surely find a subtle pencil 'stache befitting of both his face and body type.

Maintaining your mustache is one of our most simple gifts. Your 'stache should flow freeform depending on your mood and state. When angry, try messing it up a bit so that there won't be any question of your embittered state out on the streets. When sated, a slight droop is often deemed proper. If, when trimming your mustache, you overcut it slightly, do not despair. Despair leads to a full shave, after which it will be weeks before you reach your hair-lipped heights again. Remain stalwart and cater the rest of your facial area to the mistake you've made. Why, some of the finest "mistakes" have lead to classic examples of mustachioed machismo.

Finally, sir, I must add that whoever told you that mustaches are not "presently chic" is most likely a woman or in the process of becoming one. Remain wary, steadfast and, as always, stay handsome!

As always,

Cummerbund F. Mandango


Blogger Slinky Redfoot said...

Bob Dylan's been sporting a most handsome mustache as of late. Perhaps he's a reader of this weekly periodical.

3:34 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home