A Handsome Retreat: Your Guide to Tri-Daily Bowel Movement (Part 2 of 2)
Welcome back weary traveler, take your shoes off, rest your feet. While you're at it take this pipe and put this robe on. We want you to be comfortable, so sit back and relax while we discuss part two of HMW's guide to shitting at work, one handsome man to another.
We hope you've practiced since last week, where you were no doubt educated on proper stall choice and scheduling (among other things). As promised we're starting today's article with a key issue that needs addressing: Reading Material. Any man, however handsome he may be, can thumb through a newspaper on the john like a prehistoric Neanderthal. It's a scientific fact. We're here to show you how to do it with the grace and panache of a true motherfucking gentleman.
Unless you'd prefer to have the reputation of a backwoods rube, don't bother with any obvious bathroom readers like magazines, newspapers, or video game instruction booklets. Remember that in the corporate world your every move is being scrutinized by your beady-eyed, less attractive coworkers. Nothing says "dropping a deuce" (or "homosexual" for that matter) more loudly than waltzing down the hallway with Richard Johnson's latest in hand and a grin on your face. How to avoid this? Turn that smile upside down and utilize the office printer. Surf the internet for articles of interest, click print, then head through the cubicle maze with a confident swagger. With papers in hand you'll look like you're a new hotshot exec carrying an important report to the boss, as opposed to some dirty douche bag taking a wack off mag into the stall. Don't forget, you can always print out some penthouse letters if need be.
We're sure that your asshole is puckering with excitement now that you've begun to process all this information. Make no mistake though, shitting at work can be a wonderful and rewarding experience, but it's not without it's hazards. The most common problem you'll encounter is the issue of "TP Irritation". Most large companies cut costs wherever possible, and an unfortunate casualty is often the luxury of nice toilet paper. The low grade replacement is rough to the touch, and after three dumps a day it starts to feel like steel wool. Your best strategy to avoid anus rash is to change up your wiping technique. Don't think of it as wiping shit off your ass. Imagine you've just spilled a drop of shiraz on your brand new brooks brothers button up. Now imagine that instead of ripping it up and throwing it at a hobo before you buy a new one, you're going to try to clean it. You'd gently dab (not wipe!) a napkin on the droplet, careful to absorb the offending substance without spreading it around. Now apply this technique to your browneye. Heed these words young man, treat your asshole like a new French cuffed shirt and you'll be happy for the rest of your days.
Lastly, bathroom etiquette needs to be discussed. It's nice to believe that everyone lives by the golden rule, but let's be honest here. In this crazy mixed up world one man's loud, inappropriate jerk off session is another man's best behavior. Here are three hard and fast rules that everyone should follow.
- Courtesy flushing. You may enjoy wallowing in the scent of your own feces, and that's natural. The feeling might not be shared by others, however, so flush everytime a turd drops. Although this prevents you from examining your work, it drastically cuts down on the stench.
- No speaking. Don't talk to the person next to you. It will interrupt concentration and can be considered slightly homosexual (not that there's anything wrong with that). If you need to communicate for some reason only use grunts. This applies to cell phone's as well. If the guy in the stall next to you is chattering away on his blackberry, grab a turd from your bowl and fling it at him. If you miss just go punch him in the face. And if you are the type of guy who does brings the phone to the throne, please turn off your computer right now, go home, and violently commit suicide.
- Wash your hands. This is only necessary after pooping. If you wash your hands after taking a leak, all you're doing is telling the world that you have a dirty penis. And shame on you for not keeping your member clean.
Well lads, this wraps it up. You should now be fully prepared to shit in the office as only a handsome man can. Remember, with great power comes great responsibility. Impart your knowledge to others as we have done to you.