Wednesday, April 26, 2006

A Handsome Retreat: Your Guide to Tri-Daily Bowel Movement (Part 2 of 2)

Welcome back weary traveler, take your shoes off, rest your feet. While you're at it take this pipe and put this robe on. We want you to be comfortable, so sit back and relax while we discuss part two of HMW's guide to shitting at work, one handsome man to another.

We hope you've practiced since last week, where you were no doubt educated on proper stall choice and scheduling (among other things). As promised we're starting today's article with a key issue that needs addressing: Reading Material. Any man, however handsome he may be, can thumb through a newspaper on the john like a prehistoric Neanderthal. It's a scientific fact. We're here to show you how to do it with the grace and panache of a true motherfucking gentleman.

Unless you'd prefer to have the reputation of a backwoods rube, don't bother with any obvious bathroom readers like magazines, newspapers, or video game instruction booklets. Remember that in the corporate world your every move is being scrutinized by your beady-eyed, less attractive coworkers. Nothing says "dropping a deuce" (or "homosexual" for that matter) more loudly than waltzing down the hallway with Richard Johnson's latest in hand and a grin on your face. How to avoid this? Turn that smile upside down and utilize the office printer. Surf the internet for articles of interest, click print, then head through the cubicle maze with a confident swagger. With papers in hand you'll look like you're a new hotshot exec carrying an important report to the boss, as opposed to some dirty douche bag taking a wack off mag into the stall. Don't forget, you can always print out some penthouse letters if need be.

We're sure that your asshole is puckering with excitement now that you've begun to process all this information. Make no mistake though, shitting at work can be a wonderful and rewarding experience, but it's not without it's hazards. The most common problem you'll encounter is the issue of "TP Irritation". Most large companies cut costs wherever possible, and an unfortunate casualty is often the luxury of nice toilet paper. The low grade replacement is rough to the touch, and after three dumps a day it starts to feel like steel wool. Your best strategy to avoid anus rash is to change up your wiping technique. Don't think of it as wiping shit off your ass. Imagine you've just spilled a drop of shiraz on your brand new brooks brothers button up. Now imagine that instead of ripping it up and throwing it at a hobo before you buy a new one, you're going to try to clean it. You'd gently dab (not wipe!) a napkin on the droplet, careful to absorb the offending substance without spreading it around. Now apply this technique to your browneye. Heed these words young man, treat your asshole like a new French cuffed shirt and you'll be happy for the rest of your days.

Lastly, bathroom etiquette needs to be discussed. It's nice to believe that everyone lives by the golden rule, but let's be honest here. In this crazy mixed up world one man's loud, inappropriate jerk off session is another man's best behavior. Here are three hard and fast rules that everyone should follow.

  1. Courtesy flushing. You may enjoy wallowing in the scent of your own feces, and that's natural. The feeling might not be shared by others, however, so flush everytime a turd drops. Although this prevents you from examining your work, it drastically cuts down on the stench.
  2. No speaking. Don't talk to the person next to you. It will interrupt concentration and can be considered slightly homosexual (not that there's anything wrong with that). If you need to communicate for some reason only use grunts. This applies to cell phone's as well. If the guy in the stall next to you is chattering away on his blackberry, grab a turd from your bowl and fling it at him. If you miss just go punch him in the face. And if you are the type of guy who does brings the phone to the throne, please turn off your computer right now, go home, and violently commit suicide.
  3. Wash your hands. This is only necessary after pooping. If you wash your hands after taking a leak, all you're doing is telling the world that you have a dirty penis. And shame on you for not keeping your member clean.

Well lads, this wraps it up. You should now be fully prepared to shit in the office as only a handsome man can. Remember, with great power comes great responsibility. Impart your knowledge to others as we have done to you.

Until then.

Finding The Right Wine Part A

When courting a young lady, taking a walk inside of a cavernous meadow, or having a delightful nap the most difficult decision a man has to make is, what wine is right? Not only that, what wine is correct for the occasion, what kind of occasion are we having, and who should be allowed to come? For example, I was hosting a youth-group and I bought 3 liters of fruit punch for the kids. Much to my dismay the community center I was volunteering at booked the wrong event. So at 8 o’ clock sharp 17 vagrants, who expected a knife show, came into the gymnasium demanding wine and knife tricks. At first I panicked, but then I realized the fourteen simple rules of wine.

First off we already had fruit punch and as we all know by now homeless people like sweet wine. So I called up my friend Rufus who happens to work at a gin wholesaler and he rushed down to the event and we made possibly the greatest home made wine of all time. I owed Rufus a favor for over seven years until we took a trip to Guatemala and I paid one-hundred and thirty bucks (American dollars) for a night of passion with his step-daughter. So we evened out on that exchange. I got gin for vagrants, a couple happy endings and Rufus is one-hundred and thirty dollars richer. We never did any knife tricks for the vagrants, but in the end we all had so much fun nobody noticed.

Yours truly - Guy Mahogany

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

A Handsome Retreat: Your Guide to Tri-Daily Bowel Movement (Part 1 of 2)

Upon entry into the office world, a gentleman has few places of refuge during his daily routine. Gone are the days of afternoon naps, trips to the corner store, and rubbing a few out on the couch before your roommates get home. You're a working stiff now, and if you want to get ahead you need to at least look like you're staying busy. To stay focused, a man needs a few minutes every day to collect his thoughts. We suggest committing yourself to at least an hour of personal reflection a day. Most important scientists would agree. This self-reflective time can be as mundane as listing the ladies in your office from most fuckable to least, or as exciting as reading a full colour comic book (Amazing Spiderman, natch). It's really up to you, the important thing is that at the end of the day you're able to say that you wasted an hour of your company's time. You'll be a much better person for it.

If you know anything about anything, you may have guessed that the ideal place to enjoy this refuge is atop a porcelain throne in the confines of the office restroom. In this environment a man can be in relative solitude, pants resting comfortably at his ankles while he enjoys a brief respite from the shrill voices and cock-eyed glances of female coworkers. Unless one's workplace has a CO-ED bathroom, in which case one should get the fuck out of the 90's and get a real job.

The art of the office dump goes beyond just knowing about this office sanctuary. There are a few ground rules and general tips that every young man should take to heart.

First of all you need to have a go-to stall. Most men prefer the handicap stall, which is advisable but comes with a few caveats. While the extra space and handle bars are appealing, if you actually work with a handicap'd person you should pick another stall. You don't want the guilt of seeing the tires on that wheel chair roll up to the door and then roll away in disappointment after you've been seen through the crack in the door glancing at the latest Robb Report with a terd half way out of your ass . Plus what if that retard makes a big mess everytime he shits? You don't want to be around that. The seat might also be a little high for your tastes. Like we said, advisable with a few caveats. Another good stall choice is the one at the end of the row. This spot is good for those among us who aren't exhibitionists and would like a little privacy. If you want your farts to be heard by the masses, don't bother with this one. You may also just have a certain stall you like for reasons of your own, which is okay too. Don't forget, the goal is personal comfort.

Another important issue is scheduling. Studies have shown that the optimum number of office craps a day is three. Any less than that will leave you unsatisfied, and anymore could arise suspicion. This is not to be taken lightly. We once worked in an office where a why-I've-been-taking-so-many-dumps explanation email of a former employee was posted on the bulletin board for all to ridicule. Although hilarious to read, this email served as a reminder that nobody is untouchable. Caution and discretion are the names of this game. Three 20 minute trips to the toilet is just the right number to keep it on the down low and stay on the up and up. Further to this, you should have fairly regular times for your trips. Late night snacks and coffee the next morning should ensure a daily 930am crap. You should follow up with either a pre or post lunch dump, and then close the day out with a 430pm anus cleansing. Adhering to this or a similar schedule will help you feel fresh and ready to go at crucial moments of the day. Feel free to mix it up every once in a while, but try to get in the routine.

This should help you get started. Go ahead and take a few practice runs, and be sure to stay tuned for part two. We'll tango with the intricacies of reading material, go toe to toe with the problem of TP irritation, and tackle all the other important issues you need to know. Until then.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

As a young advertising professional in New York City it can be hard to stay on top of the most important trends. You want to stay relevant to your clients, and stay cool for the ladies. To that end I, for one, am getting the jump on this summers hottest new iPod. Taking it back to the Cradle of Civilization with Apple's latest, you know the deal.

Love the retro look.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Welcome to Handsome Man Weekly, your personal guide to all things pertaining to handsome men. Whether handsome yourself, or a homely lad or lass spying through the looking glass, welcome!